Thank you so much, lovely readers, for bearing with my lack of blogging and crafting during the past week. I wasn't trying to be cryptic when I gave a vague explanation as to why things were a bit slow in my bloggy corner of the world. I just wasn't ready to talk about it. I couldn't type or say what was going on without getting upset. I'm ready to talk now...
Where do I even start though? Well...I guess I should just come right out and say it. Tim and I are expecting again. Yep, I'm pregnant again. Finding this out should have been a happy moment, but it was fear that gripped my heart instead of joy. After suffering through two consecutive miscarriages, I just kept expecting this pregnancy to end at any second like the other two. Last week, I was in a million different places emotionally--cautiously hopeful, delighted, fearful, desperate, angry, depressed, overwhelmed...
Lydia Grace had a rough week too. I think she sensed her mommy was worried. No, I take that back. I was terrified! The scary question: Would this pregnancy be the one to last a full nine months or would I loose this baby too? Every trip to the bathroom, every ache, every pain sent me into a panic. Between work and multiple visits to the doctor, I was overwhelmed with still trying to be there for L.G. I felt like I failed her as a mother last week. Have you ever had a day or week where you just felt like you failed in the mommy department? I was either at work, sitting in a waiting room, or listening to the doctor throw out terms like "high risk", "specialist", "injections", "blood thinners", "low progesterone levels", and "clotting disorder" instead of being with my daughter. I can't even begin to tell you all the things the doctor said that sent me into full blown panic mode. When I finally did get home to Lydia Grace, I was so emotional that I felt like I was a million miles away instead of right there with her.
I let the fear and anxiety defeat me. I let it steal my joy and my hope. Worst of all, I let it steal precious moments that should have been spent playing and laughing with L.G.
For you to fully understand what this past week was like for me, I need to go back a bit...
After the last two pregnancies ended in miscarriage, the doctor performed a battery of tests. The diagnosis was a coagulation disorder. My body was attacking the early developing babies and forming blood clots that cut off their oxygen and nourishment. When I first found out...I thought, "How can my body be doing this to my own babies--pieces of me?" The prescription was to let my body heal from the last miscarriage and begin taking a baby aspirin each day since aspirin is an anti-inflammatory. Blood thinners were also mentioned as a future possibility.
I know what you must be thinking. If I have this condition, how do I currently have one amazing little girl? Why was she alright and my pregnancy with her did not end with the same result as the last two? That in itself is a wonderful story that shows how God can turn pain and negative things in our lives into miracles...
I get migraines. I have been afflicted with these horrible headaches for as long as I can remember. For most women, migraines lessen or cease during pregnancy. For me, they got worse during my pregnancy with Lydia Grace. I was taking Excedrin for migraine pills 2-3 times a week before I even knew I was pregnant. After I found out, the doctor gave me permission to continue taking a smaller does of Excedrin until around 20 weeks due to the severity of my headaches.
Guess what's in Excedrin.
Yes, the horrible headaches that I thought put me in the unlucky minority of pregnant women were actually creating the necessity for the Excedrin which in turn prevented blood clots from forming around L.G. God's hand was on her from the very beginning! Doesn't he work in mysterious and miraculous ways?!
Lydia Grace was a surprise blessing, but the two pregnancies that ended in miscarriage were a little more planned, so I was purposefully avoiding any medication. Can you believe that? The very thing I was avoiding could have been the thing I needed for the pregnancies to remain viable. Why could I not have known about the clotting disorder sooner? Why did things not work out with the other two pregnancies? These and many other questions have haunted me so many times, but I know I have to just trust in God's master plan. Maybe it was to show me what a miracle L.G. truly is. Maybe it was a way of leading the doctor to finding out about the clotting disorder. Maybe there is a greater purpose to those tragedies that I am still unaware of. Who knows? I may never have the answers.
What I do know is that I am pregnant again. Exhausted, nauseous, moody, and wonderfully pregnant. I am actually delighting in being sick because it means that everything is okay right now. I also know that I am in a much better place emotionally this week. There hasn't been any excessive bleeding with this pregnancy, and I got good news yesterday concerning my progesterone levels which were also causing some concern. I have been taking a baby aspirin and vitamin everyday and eating insanely healthy. I have an appointment with a specialist next week since this is considered a high risk pregnancy. It is a consult to consider blood thinners. Right now, the baby aspirin seems to be doing the trick though.
Am I still scared? Of course, but I am not going to let the fear defeat me again. You see...I believe in a GOD that still works miracles! I believe in a GOD who listens and cares about the prayers of those who love him. My GOD is BIGGER than any number on a clipboard, HE is BIGGER than a clotting condition, and HE is BIGGER than the words of any doctor. HE is the great physician, and HE has the life of this precious baby in his hands. I will have faith! I will put my full trust in HIM! I will believe that everything will work out for the best.
Yes, I may still worry and call out to GOD for peace and comfort as I pray for another miracle to bless our family. BUT I also will trust that GOD has this and that HE is in control! No matter how this all turns out, I will continue to believe in God's loving kindness and unending faithfulness.
Your continued prayers are much appreciated!