The Life of Jennifer Dawn: I'm ready to talk about it now...

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

I'm ready to talk about it now...


Thank you so much, lovely readers, for bearing with my lack of blogging and crafting during the past week.  I wasn't trying to be cryptic when I gave a vague explanation as to why things were a bit slow in my bloggy corner of the world.  I just wasn't ready to talk about it.  I couldn't type or say what was going on without getting upset.  I'm ready to talk now...

Where do I even start though?  Well...I guess I should just come right out and say it.  Tim and I are expecting again.  Yep, I'm pregnant again.  Finding this out should have been a happy moment, but it was fear that gripped my heart instead of joy.  After suffering through two consecutive miscarriages, I just kept expecting this pregnancy to end at any second like the other two.  Last week, I was in a million different places emotionally--cautiously hopeful, delighted, fearful, desperate, angry, depressed, overwhelmed...

Lydia Grace had a rough week too.  I think she sensed her mommy was worried.  No, I take that back.  I was terrified!  The scary question: Would this pregnancy be the one to last a full nine months or would I loose this baby too?  Every trip to the bathroom, every ache, every pain sent me into a panic.  Between work and multiple visits to the doctor, I was overwhelmed with still trying to be there for L.G.  I felt like I failed her as a mother last week.  Have you ever had a day or week where you just felt like you failed in the mommy department?  I was either at work, sitting in a waiting room, or listening to the doctor throw out terms like "high risk", "specialist", "injections", "blood thinners", "low progesterone levels", and "clotting disorder" instead of being with my daughter.  I can't even begin to tell you all the things the doctor said that sent me into full blown panic mode.  When I finally did get home to Lydia Grace, I was so emotional that I felt like I was a million miles away instead of right there with her.

I let the fear and anxiety defeat me.  I let it steal my joy and my hope.  Worst of all, I let it steal precious moments that should have been spent playing and laughing with L.G.

For you to fully understand what this past week was like for me, I need to go back a bit...
After the last two pregnancies ended in miscarriage, the doctor performed a battery of tests.  The diagnosis was a coagulation disorder.  My body was attacking the early developing babies and forming blood clots that cut off their oxygen and nourishment.  When I first found out...I thought, "How can my body be doing this to my own babies--pieces of me?"  The prescription was to let my body heal from the last miscarriage and begin taking a baby aspirin each day since aspirin is an anti-inflammatory.  Blood thinners were also mentioned as a future possibility.

I know what you must be thinking.  If I have this condition, how do I currently have one amazing little girl?  Why was she alright and my pregnancy with her did not end with the same result as the last two?  That in itself is a wonderful story that shows how God can turn pain and negative things in our lives into miracles...

I get migraines.  I have been afflicted with these horrible headaches for as long as I can remember.  For most women, migraines lessen or cease during pregnancy.  For me, they got worse during my pregnancy with Lydia Grace.  I was taking Excedrin for migraine pills 2-3 times a week before I even knew I was pregnant.  After I found out, the doctor gave me permission to continue taking a smaller does of  Excedrin until around 20 weeks due to the severity of my headaches.
Guess what's in Excedrin.
ASPIRIN!
Yes, the horrible headaches that I thought put me in the unlucky minority of pregnant women were actually creating the necessity for the Excedrin which in turn prevented blood clots from forming around L.G.  God's hand was on her from the very beginning!  Doesn't he work in mysterious and miraculous ways?!

Lydia Grace was a surprise blessing, but the two pregnancies that ended in miscarriage were a little more planned, so I was purposefully avoiding any medication.  Can you believe that?  The very thing I was avoiding could have been the thing I needed for the pregnancies to remain viable.  Why could I not have known about the clotting disorder sooner?  Why did things not work out with the other two pregnancies?  These and many other questions have haunted me so many times, but I know I have to just trust in God's master plan.  Maybe it was to show me what a miracle L.G. truly is.  Maybe it was a way of leading the doctor to finding out about the clotting disorder.  Maybe there is a greater purpose to those tragedies that I am still unaware of.  Who knows?  I may never have the answers.

What I do know is that I am pregnant again.  Exhausted, nauseous, moody, and wonderfully pregnant.  I am actually delighting in being sick because it means that everything is okay right now.  I also know that I am in a much better place emotionally this week.  There hasn't been any excessive bleeding with this pregnancy, and I got good news yesterday concerning my progesterone levels which were also causing some concern.  I have been taking a baby aspirin and vitamin everyday and eating insanely healthy.  I have an appointment with a specialist next week since this is considered a high risk pregnancy.  It is a consult to consider blood thinners.  Right now, the baby aspirin seems to be doing the trick though.

Am I still scared?  Of course, but I am not going to let the fear defeat me again.  You see...I believe in a GOD that still works miracles!  I believe in a GOD who listens and cares about the prayers of those who love him.  My GOD is BIGGER than any number on a clipboard, HE is BIGGER than a clotting condition, and HE is BIGGER than the words of any doctor.  HE is the great physician, and HE has the life of this precious baby in his hands.  I will have faith!  I will put my full trust in HIM!  I will believe that everything will work out for the best.

Yes, I may still worry and call out to GOD for peace and comfort as I pray for another miracle to bless our family.  BUT I also will trust that GOD has this and that HE is in control!  No matter how this all turns out, I will continue to believe in God's loving kindness and unending faithfulness.

Your continued prayers are much appreciated!

15 comments:

  1. Continued prayers are going up for you!
    Thank you for sharing as now I can pray more specifically and praise God for this new life he has given you!
    You are so right in saying our GOD is BIGGER!
    Sending you BIG HUGS!
    Biz

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  2. This post is just amazing. Transparent. Real. Wonderful. Bittersweet. It brought back a lot of memories for me but I love that you are standing on faith in the midst of your frail humanity. This baby is in the palm of His hand and what better place for your baby to be? Congratulations sweet friend. I am so happy for you and I am praying RIGHT NOW for this precious life. :)

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  3. Been praying for you every night since we talked about the last one! Love you all and Michael and I will continue to pray!

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  4. Thanks for opening up and sharing your heart with all of us. It's not only good for us but also very good for you to have a place to unload the stress. How wonderful that the doctors have figured out what is happening and therefore allowing this new baby to survive! I am so thankful for this new life and can't wait to see/meet this little blessing! You all remain in my prayers.

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  5. Praying for you and that sweet little one you are carrying! How many weeks are you now?

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  6. Amazing story of miracles! You have such a testimony, it's great to see you telling here to so many people. You are absolutely in my prayers. (By the way, I just found your blog today, I look forward to reading more and more!)

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  7. Thank you for sharing your story. I can't imagine the pain that you must go through during this time. I pray that the Lord will continue to strengthen you and your body at this time. Continue trusting and having faith in Him.
    I will send prayers your way. and Congratulations on your pregnancy!

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  8. Beautifully said! This touched my heart! I will join you in praying for the health of this precious new life!
    Donna Arp

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  9. While reading your post, I was reliving the hell of my own miscarriages. I know exactly what you have been going through. I also had two miscarriages, both with twins. After those, I almost miscarried another set of twin girls. They were born at 27 weeks. I had a high risk pregnancy with them as well. Four years later I found myself in another high risk pregnancy. At 28 weeks I miscarried one of the twins I was carrying. The other twin, my son, was born healthy and full term. So I truely do understand how you are feeling. You are right. God will see you through. You just have to turn the fear over to him.

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  10. I am so excited for you and your little family!! GOD does work miracles and he will continue to hold your little one in his hands of safety! I am so glad that you have found peace with this and are able to now enjoy each and every moment. I know this will not be easy but with GOD's love, and support you can handle anything! Congratulations!

    xoxo
    Kelli @ loveoursimplelife.blogspot.com

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  11. I can't imagine those mixed emotions you must have been feeling. Sending lots of positive thoughts your way :)

    Also, I wanted to let you know that I'm passing The Versatile Blogger Award onto you! Check my blog for details if you want to play along :)

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  12. I'm very behind on reading blogs so I'm just now seeing this. I applaud you for being so open! I feel like when we are raw and bare we seem to touch the most people & isn't that what life is all about...sharing it with others!? I'm so very excited that this pregnancy is going so smoothly! You are a great mom & I love reading about your adventures with L.G.

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  13. I have been in your shoes and I am so sorry!! I had 5 miscarriages before I was able to have my two beautiful babies that are now teenagers. After many test and going through needles and more pills than I care to count. They found that I had LUPUS please have them test you..it may help. Angie moulton_angie@yahoo.com

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  14. My story is similar. I have a beautiful daughter and my husband is amazing. I didn't have 2 miscarriages but 1. I was destroyed. There was such a huge void that I felt needed to be filled in our family. I know it sounds bad. But even with all of the love and togetherness I felt like we were missing something. So I researched and read and researched some more. I was pretty sure I figured out what went wrong with my miscarried pregnancy. As soon as I found out I was pregnant again I went to the doctor and insisted he checked my progesterone levels. They were low and he put me on progesterone pills. Just like you every time I would go to the bathroom or feel any kind of pain or anything I would worry. Sometimes it would send me into tears. But I am now 31wks pregnant with this baby and everything has gone beautifully. The research I did I found out that PCOS(which I have) causes low progesterone levels. Like so low that a pregnancy doesn't stay around after 6 weeks because the baby isn't getting the nutrients it needs. Why I didn't miscarry with my daughter is because before I got pregnant with her my PCOS was so bad that I was taking birth control to fix it. I stopped taking the birth control 2 weeks before I got pregnant because it was making me feel horrible all of a sudden. When I found out I was pregnant I was so excited because I expected to never be able to get pregnant. But the birth control regulated my progesterone for those first 12wks enough to support my daughter. I never guessed it was the birth control that did it. I just thought my PCOS might have went away. So it was a complete shock when I got pregnant the second time and miscarried it wasn't pretty. I thought it was something I did. I figured I drank to much soda or cleaned with bleach one to many times the month before I found out. I just wanted to let you know you're not the only one out there that had an underlying health issue that caused you to loose your babies.

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  15. What a scary time for you, but how wonderful to read this post now and to see pictures of your sweet little boy...to know the end of this particular story.

    How truly miraculous that those headaches brought your little girl safely into your family!

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Each and every one of your comments means so much to me. I love to hear from friends both old and new. Thanks for taking the time to stop by my little corner of the world and thanks for taking the time to let me know you were here.

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